31 March 2014

the awaited insyirah

If i wanna meet ur parents in a year's time,
And dicuss about something more serious and official between us,
And start moving towards building the baitul muslim a year after that,

Will you agree?
Or will you turn out to hate me?

Will you turn out to diss me?

Will you turn out to ignore the existence of me?

Die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself turn into a villain.

Dilemma: ETA 7 days?


Mana-manalah. InsyaAllah, Allah perancang terbaik.
Wallahu khairul makirin.


A believe that I'll never lose.

30 March 2014

Let's wait and see who'll get a checkmate. Your move, white.


InsyaAllah, next week 7th April induction for Medical Officer UD41 starts.
The week after that, officially will start working in a hospital.

4 days from now, my birthday.

The greatest birthday present?
Was hoping for something miraculously flawless, but i guess, induction will just do.
Almost 5 month without a job. Can't brain how i actually survived.

White pawn. Two ranks forward.

En passant.

26 January 2014

Convocation Day 25th January 2014.

Alhamdulillah. It's convocation. Who wouldn't be happy? Everyone has their own story. Some might say it's the answer for their long-awaited prayer. Some might say it's a reward for them, after their near-death effort in studying every subject prior to the final exam. But for me, it's an enclosure to a chapter. A chapter in the book of my life, where the writings were started far back. A chapter, that was started, 15 years back. Or perhaps, the prelude, was started even earlier.

My late mom, she always wanted that at least one of her kids would take an attempt at medicine. My eldest sis seemed interested, but she's not considered to be fit in the program, my brother was not interested, and then there was me. The youngest siblings. Who some how looks a bit promising. Who technically just passed his PTS examination, and expressed directly into standard 5 from standard 3. But there was one thing. I wasn't really interested in becoming a doctor at that particular time. I was more into religious studies, usuluddin as how they said it, which covers the basis of Islam. So, at that time I objected. I don't wanna move from what i have pre-decided. My late mom was very flexible, she never forced anyone of us into anything. So, it stopped there.

A year later, everything changed. I was eleven. It was the year of one of the important exam in Malaysian education system, the Primary School Assessment Exam, or UPSR,in short. That year was particularly different from all the previous year. My family had this,tradition, of not celebrating birthdays. But my late mom got really excited in preparing things for a birthday celebration, which happens to be mine. She got us a cake, sweets, munchies, we took lots of family photos together. In short, very contrast to anything that had ever happened in the previous years. But perhaps, that was the earliest sign of what was yet to come.

3 days after my birthday celebration, my late mom suddenly complained of back pain which was of acute onset, and progressive. My dad had her sent to the hospital, which was basically, the hospital where all the three of us were born, Kuala Lumpur General Hospital. The doctor at that time said that it might be some orthopaedics cases,so my late mom was scheduled for some physiotherapy session, apart from the medications that was started. However, it doesn't subsided. She had to take medical leave from her job in the research department of kementerian penerangan. Till it came to the part where she required assistance to move and use the toilet. I'm not embarassed to say that i've helped her to clean up after that, since my dad was occupied with his job in the police enforcement, my sister was in a boarding school(mrsm jasin) and the toilet in the house at that time was the old type(squatting). It was about 2 month since the backache started, when she suddenly developed distension of her abdomen.(well, now i know it's hepatomegaly, or enlargement of the liver,in simple words) She was again rushed to the Kuala Lumpur General Hospital, when the doctors decided for an emergency surgery to be conducted. My dad signed the consent form. It was after the operation, we were informed that the surgeon has taken few biopsies from her colon and had sent it to the lab.(perhaps they were thinking of colonic cancer?) Mom was warded, and it was two days after that when she developed jaundice all over her body. The doctors were planning for another surgery, but my mom was too weak for that and the surgery was postponed. So,she was kept in the hospital, shifted back and forth between the wards and the icu.That was the period of time where dad,my brother and i visited the hospital everyday in the evening for almost a month.

Then, one day, her condition worsened. Mom was semi conscious, but she's not responding to any stimuli.my dad decided to meet up a relative who happened to be 'someone' in Selayang Hospital at that time, where he made a phone call, and we,who were with mom at that time,can see about 5 to 6 consultants rushed to mom's bed and started discussing her case. When my dad came back from selayang hospital, those consultants informed him that they had come to a conclusion that it was a case of hepatocellular carcinoma, or liver cancer. The consultants were saying that a surgery might give her some tiny chance of survival,but it was really of a bad prognosis. My dad had signed again another consent form. The doctors was trying to stabilize mom's condition to make her fit for surgery, but it doesn't really work. Mom then became unconscious, and it was the afternoon of the 24th July 1999, when she finally exhaled her last breath. The cause of death from the death certificate issued by the hospital stated septicemia with bronchitis as the reason.

It was near her death that i knew that mom had 17 siblings, but i only got to know about 5 or 6 of my uncles and aunts, simply because, most of them passed away when they were still young due to some health issues and even accidents. Perhaps this was the very reason why mom wanted at least one of her children to take the path of medicine.

Her death was a turning point for me. I clear my mind from all the things that i wanted. I took a vow to myself. I'll try my level best to make sure that no one will have to experience the lost of a loved ones,due to perhaps, some negligence, that it requires the intervention by someone with some status to make the system moved, ike how i had experienced. I had to fight with everything that i have to at least be in the position where i can try to save someone. And i found my feelings to be my weakest point. That's when i began suppressing most of my feelings. To be frank, i was a crybaby. I can simply cry just because i didn't get the toy that i wanted. A year after mom's death, i successfully suppressed my tears. In the second year, i suppressed my fear. And it was on the fifth year, when i was 16, that i was able to suppress and take control of all my emotions, while leaving the part of sympathy and empathy intact, untouched.

After the SPM examination results was out, and alhamdulillah, i'm seeing that i might get a shot to be in the medicine program, i've applied for medicine matriculation in UIAM(IIUM), apart from other programs through UPU applications. But i was only offered the matriculation in Kuala Pilah, and the diploma program in UiTM shah alam faculty of health sciences, under the course of medical laboratory technology. I turned down the matriculation offer, and went for the diploma program, after i've met the head of program for the diploma course at that time, Cik Ina, who said that i might get a shot to be in the medicine program, if i manage to perform well during the whole diploma course. I took the challenge. Being a student with the scholarships from JPA(Public Service Department), i tried giving my best in the exams throughout all the semesters, and completed the diploma course in April 2008. It was then through an offer from Management& Science University(MSU), i gained entry into the Bachelor of Medicine and Bachelor of Surgery (MBBS) course after sitting for an entrance exam and an interview, and was sent to their first offshore International Medical School(IMS) campus in Bangalore, India under the sponsorships from Majlis Amanah Rakyat(MARA), where we had experience studying under 2 systems throughout our stay, the conventional Rajiv Gandhi University of Health Sciences system(RGUHS) in the first 3 years of our study,and later, the Malaysian systems. There, i met lot of doctors who became my source of inspirations. And after the convocation yesterday, we are where we currently stands today. And alhamdulillah, during those periods in my life, i still manage to learn a bit or two and improve my understandings in the religion of Islam. It seems that, when He placed me in the situation where i have to first let go of what i desired for something else, He later rewards me with both the things. He took the things from my hands to make it empty, only to replace it with something better within my grasp. Subhanallah. All praise to Allah. Indeed, Allah is the best planner.

To be frank, i almost cried yesterday when the song 'ayah dan ibu' was played out during the ceremony. That song, it reminded me of why i endured the battle and the journey at the very first place. For all the pain, the stresses. My mind is undergoing turbulence even further when i saw the video clippings, i started thinking how it will be when i'm no longer available to help my dad around. But being a professional emotion suppressor, i managed to force the drainage system of the eyes to retract the tears from flowing out.

The battle that was started 15 years back nearly comes to an enclosure. But the war will never be over. The battle of reaching a position to be able to help others may have ended, but the battle to maintain being someone who's competent and relevant in the profession have just started, and it will be continous, until it's time for me to exhale my last breath.

A chapter of life that was started 15 years back has come to an enclosure. And now is the time to begin writing a new chapter.

This recognition is for you, dad, Mr Ismail bin Karim, who had sacrificed a lot, raising us all alone until now after mom passed away, making sure everything is ready and available for us, even though you're occupied with your duty before you reached your retirement 6 years back.
And this recognition is for you, mom, Allayarhamah Nor 'Amna bt Ibrahim, who was the one initiating all these, who, made me do things to improve myself. To become better.

And this recognition is for you, Malaysians. I promise that i will not take this chance that was given to me for granted. Not now. Not ever.

Happy convocation, dear doctors and fellow friends.

18 December 2013

post terakhir 2013


Setelah sekian lama langkah terhenti, mahu tidak mahu perjalanan harus diteruskan.
InsyaAllah, dengan bermulanya tahun baru nanti, saya berkeputusan untuk terus melangkah ke depan tanpa menoleh ke belakang lagi.

Semoga Allah memberikan kekuatan.

Dan semoga blog ini kembali aktif dikemaskinikan.

Allahu musta'an.

13 November 2013

Ya Allah, tidak aku menyangka bahawa hatiku akan sebegini terluka apabila aku memutuskan untuk membuka ruang kepada perasaanku untuk sekali lagi membenarkan seseorang untuk berada dalam hati ini. Rasa kehilangan kali ini begitu kuat, terasa bagaikan tidak mampu untuk aku menanggungnya. Aku menjangka, setelah Engkau menguji aku dengan perasaan yang sama sebelum-sebelum ini, aku akan mampu menghadapi ujian perasaan yang Engkau datangkan sekali lagi. Setelah pedih paling hebat
yang aku rasai ketika kali pertama melamar seseorang 8 tahun yang lalu, Engkau telah meminjamkan aku kekuatan untuk menghadapi kesakitan ketika lamaran kedua dan ketiga ku ditolak. Sehingga aku menjadi alpa dan lupa, aku menyangka aku mampu untuk menanggung sendiri kesakitan perasaan ini jika ia melanda sekali lagi. Namun Ya Allah, setelah lamaran kali keempat ini ditolak, aku sedar aku tidak punya sedikit pun kekuatan jika Engkau tidak meminjamkan. Ujian perasaan dariMu Ya Allah, adalah sesuatu yang tidak mungkin aku akan mampu untuk hadapi bersendiri, mungkin buat selamanya Ya Allah.

Matikanlah rasa ini Ya Allah, seandainya ia memerlukan seluruh perasaanku untuk turut berkubur sama, maka aku redha Ya Allah. Tidak adil dan zalim rasanya untuk aku memaksa dia untuk menerima aku, untuk menunggu untuk satu tempoh masa, sedangkan aku tidak tahu, berapa lama lagi masa yang ada yang Kau pinjamkan untuk aku terus bernafas di bumimu. Selagi rasa itu ada, aku gusar dia tidak akan mampu mengecapi bahagia. Bahagia yang aku harapkan akan menjadi miliknya. Telah lama aku melihat Engkau mengujinya dengan derita Ya Allah. Aku sangat ingin menjadi seseorang yang mampu membahagiakan dia Ya Allah, untuk menjadi seseorang yang menghilangkan kedukaannya dan tidak membiarkan airmatanya mengalir lagi Ya Allah. Namun aku sedar Ya Allah, bahawa aku bukanlah seseorang yang terbaik untuk dirinya, dan aku juga bukanlah orang yang layak untuk mendapat seseorang sebaik dia. Aku redha jika nyawa dan kewujudanku di dunia ini harus hilang untuk menjadi galang ganti akan kebahagiaan untuk dirinya. Pinjamkanlah aku sedikit kekuatan Ya Allah, agar aku mampu untuk terus melangkah dan menyembunyikan kesakitan ini, kerana aku tidak boleh membiarkan orang lain melihatku dalam keadaan selemah ini Ya Allah, selagi Kau masih mengizinkan aku untuk bernafas di bumiMu.

Pertemukanlah dia dengan seseorang yang jauh lebih baik dari diriku, yang benar-benar mampu membuatnya mengecapi bahagia itu Ya Allah. Aku redha, biarpun bukan aku yang menjadi orang yang telah Kau takdirkan untuk dirinya.

Perkenanlah permintaan hambaMu ini, Ya Muhaimin.